Thursday was a weird day.
The Sec 4s started their Prelims.
We got back our PPRs- my L1R5 dropped by 2 points, while my overall percentage increased by 2%. My expected grade is 10, but I’m aiming for an 8. 17-8=9 points that I have to improve by. I must tell myself that I can do it, and I must stop procrastinating, and I must stop slacking, and I must have motivation, and I must have the determination to

WORK HARD

.
And during Math lesson. YOU PEOPLE NEED A FREAKING BIG LESSON. I am appalled at the respect, or lack of, that YOU have for our Math teacher. She may not be the best teacher; oh perhaps your tuition teacher is better? But that does not give you the power to criticise and mock and imitate her. To say that you disrespect her would be a gross understatement. You treat her like a Nobody, when all she expects of us is to pay attention during class because she would like to teach. While you come back at the end of the Math lesson, you still dare to get all angry at her and throw a temper and not even make an attempt to pay attention or say sorry or even look guilty and be so rude and think YOU ARE RIGHT and have done NOTHING WRONG. Well you selfish, spoilt, rude bitch, get your morals right and treat your teachers with respect. And you made me more pissed when I tried to get you to stop talking and you said, “Oh did someone just say something?” and feigned ignorance. Well I’m telling you, I don’t care if you don’t respect me or don’t like me to shut you up during lessons, but the world doesn’t just revolve around you. And YOU, stop being such a prissy. I hate feeling inferior next to you. And both of you should stop acting like Queens where the world owes you everything and stop talking during Math because I need to concentrate even if both of you don’t. And I’m not the only one affected, just to let you two know. Stop living in your small, party-like world and WAKE UP.
Not a lot of people took their newspapers the last time I checked.
We had mock Chinese prelims. I think I screwed the compositions, but Paper 2 was alright I guess. Felt braindead and slightly light-headed after that. Went slightly crazy. Makes me scared to think what would happen next year, this time. I’m scared that I can’t take it when next year comes? Right now, I’m wondering if I’ll even survive through next year.
Then night. “THERE’S NO SCHOOL TOMORROW DUE TO POWER FAILURE”. Went into panic mode as I tried to contact as many people as possible at the relatively late hour of 22:30 to pass the message. And people didn’t take me seriously! THEY THOUGHT I WAS JOKING. And my phone started ringing like crazy, and MSN windows kept popping up (at one point I had 19 convos). “YAY TOMORROW NO SCHOOL!” “ARE YOU TELLING A JOKE? ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE NOT? ARE YOU 100% SURE?” “Tessa you are very lame. It’s not very funny.” Pffft (: Well it does sound rather absurd. BUT THIS IS TESSA YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! DOES SHE JOKE ABOUT THIS KIND OF THING?

So there was no school, today I met Jamie, Ade, Eunice, Chua and TanCheng. We caught Ratatouille at Plaza Sing (don’t watch it, it’s not very good. Finding Nemo was way better), then lunched at Subway. Then we met Shanna and Ethel at AMK Hub, then Ethel left and TanCheng left and Ade left and the rest of us went to Shanna’s house. There we watched Stomp the Yard, then about 6 we left. Reached home about 7.

Oh crap I think I better get started on my homework and studying. Damn.

Mr. Mantis died.

Dad says that’s because he was in our house for __ days and didn’t eat.

This is Mr. Mantis, who has been residing in my home since Tuesday night. I first spotted him on the wooden frame of the huge mirror above my piano. It was since his arrival that I found out that praying mantis could FLY.

Say hi to Mr. Mantis (:

Sometimes I wonder what is the point in studying and mugging and sleeping so late and feeling so urgh all the time. When really, in life, you should be happy and enjoy yourself while you live.

“Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you’ve never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you.”

I told the Sec Ones yesterday during the Squad Talk that while they are still in Sec 1, to enjoy themselves and have a lot of fun and go ‘kee-siao’ when they can while they’re still not so busy because once you come to upper sec, you’ll probably be more crazy and have a lot of fun too, but you’ll be damn stressed and tired too. And I meant what I said. I felt a tad miffed when they didn’t believe Jessling and me that we’re not going to tell anyone of what anything is said during the Squad Talk, but I tried to focus on their point of view and I guess they’ve got their reasons and so feeling a bit wary and guarded is alright. But I shall work on their trust, because I believe I can and they will eventually open up.

I feel proud to be their SC and senior, because they are a bonded squad and everyone works together. I felt good and accomplished when their timing volume increased in three-fold after we made them say timings one by one. I felt quite bad to make some of them repeat so many times, but we got to make sure everyone says their timing. And I was proud when Sarah and Cheryl Choo complimented us on the squad.

Talked to several of the Sec Ones online last night as well…Turns out that they are quite stressed out over the termly PPR and their results. I’m sure everything will go fine. They have time to improve (: I just hope they won’t cry or what, okay I probably wouldn’t know if they do…

I realise it is now essential to make everyone and myself stay happy even for a short period of time. I hope the Squad Talk did give the Sec 1s some laughs and I hope they enjoyed themselves even for that short while. (: Happiness does make the world go round after all~

I’ve failed my A Math again, as I have since the start of the term. F9. Lousy shit. I just can’t seem to get it. How come other people manage to pass their tests and not fail even if they don’t pay attention in class? LOUSY SHIT. I pay attention no matter how tired I am. See where that gets me.

The other subjects that I know…okay, but a little disappointing. C5 for Chem- I was hoping to get a B3, because I did relatively well for the /20 and /35 tests that we got. DAMN THAT 13.5/40 ): B3 for English- bleh. So average, and my EL is supposed to be good. Still a few more subjects that we’ve signed.

Cross my fingers that my L1R5 does not go above 20 this time. I’ve been lucky so far.

Shall go practice my Trigonometry now, if I want to HOPE TO pass it tomorrow ): Die Math DIE.

Today Renee my tablemate dear made me laugh like madness.

Renee: *brings these long red sweet tubes into class* The sweets are weird. They taste like rubber.
me: You could use them as rubberbands. Or shoelaces.
(then I said somemore, but I can’t remember)
Renee: Or eat them.

***

me: *writes ‘Renee the skinny pig’ and draws a skinny pig on Renee’s Chem foolscap*
Renee: The pig’s gross.
me: That’s because you’re the pig, that’s why.

Upon reading that, Renee looks up and gives me that funny ‘HOW DARE YOU TESSA LOW’ look that made me start laughing like mad. Renee can’t instil fear in people, she’s too cute for that.

Renee: I am NOT gross.
me: Draw a nicer pig then!
Renee: *draws a fatter pig with crosses for eyes*
me: Why did you draw a gross, DEAD pig?!

I can’t remember what she wrote back after that.
But she says I’m bloody random today. Well at least I’m moderately happy (:

I’m rather lost this week. Approximately 5 tests plus mock SPA…is really quite bad. I did well for History-19/25 with 12/13 for SEQ-feel quite happy about it, considering the fact that I didn’t study much for it- I just got the brief points in my head and used my own words to elaborate. But apart from that special test that perked me up a little today, oh well nothing’s going so great today…and possibly won’t until the end of the week or until CL Prelims are over or until the Sept holidays or until EOYs are over or until Christmas is over…I don’t know.

I’m feeling the impending stress of the O Levels, even though they’re supposed to only be next year. Mock SPA is tomorrow, Chinese Prelims are next Tuesday, the first assessment for SPA is in T4W1. The Sec 4s’ prelims start next Thursday and I don’t really know when the ‘O’s start but I hope everything for them will go well…Eunice says her seniors ‘have been shrinking’ because they’re growing thinner and thinner since the start of the year and my seniors haven’t been growing thinner, but the stress is evident and I can’t help but feel worried for them.

And it’s less than 40 days to the EOYs and I haven’t started any studying, oh Logs and Surds and Linear Law and History SBQ and SEQ and Mole Concept and Excretion etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. and argh I’m feeling horrible and miserable and I just wish that I could be more appreciative of the life that I have now instead of feeling so…depressed for no reason I can actually pinpoint.

Oh what’s the matter.

My birthday’s come and gone. Time passes too fast. I’m now trying to take life day by day, but it is seemingly impossible to do so. It would have been easier if I could withdraw myself from all the hustle-bustle, but I’ve realised that all these has only just started.
It seems like I’ve been stuck for too long, however.
Thank you, anyway, for the lovely birthday. I couldn’t have had a better celebration in any way. Thank you DadMumStaceyStedman, 3Wisdom, my lovely Sec One squad, Bandits, Serene my mexco senior, my primary school friends etc. It was lovely, though I haven’t gotten down to eating the cake yet.

***

Today I went for Chem tuition in the morning. I think my tutor is good, even though his forte is meant to be plant biology. We came upon the controversy of science. Science is anything and everything to do with humans.
For example, supposing some scientist discovered a new drug that could cure cancer or something. He would definitely not test it out on a human, yet could test in on a lab animal such as a rat. It seems cruel, but then again, would you be willing to sacrifice yourself to be tested? Of course not.
We were talking, also, about the selfishness of humans. No land for humans to live? No problem, just tear down the rainforests. It doesn’t matter that these animals will perish, as long as the humans have a place to live.
Are we really discovering more and more things for the better of the world, for the benefit of the world, or only just humans? Science is really just one of the areas of human adventuring. There really isn’t a right or wrong answer to whether it’s good, or bad, that where the world we are standing in today is better, or worse, than the world that died long ago.

***

You know, it really isn’t good to have people saying that you don’t understand because they think that you are popular. It is not true. It does not mean that because one has many friends then the person will not know the meaning of loneliness. It hurts to have someone saying that. I don’t know if perhaps you’re just falling into the emo trap, or that you really do mean that. You probably don’t know how painful it is when I see those words, but yeah just to let you know.

***

Okay time to buck up, and back to work…

damn it i really want to go for band tomorrow i want to see the sec ones and i want to command them during drills and i want to speak to them and i feel so sorry that i’m screwing up their birthday plans for me and causing so bloody much trouble and i’m screwing up my section’s birthday plans for me too and what the hell all for this training thing called milestone because i’m in mexco why do i have to go for it i want to see the sec ones and we have to push the prep talk back because of me because i want to speak to them it’s not fair it’s not fair why does it have to clash with friday band the only band day that i really look forward to because the conductor doesn’t come and more often than not i enjoy myself as i have lovely company and as time went by it seems like i find i really love my sec one squad more and more and i really would like them to be happy in band and all i don’t know if that’s possible but yes i’ll give it my best okay why am i talking about this i don’t want to go for milestone because i have to sacrifice my time at friday band and basically i’m disrupting all their nice plans for me i don’t think it’s fair that they care so much and i am just not free not free not free why am i always not free this time i’m not free because of milestone you know it better be enjoyable or i will cry.

DARN THAT MILESTONE TRAINING!

I WANT FRIDAY BAND!